Of weary dreams and worn out passions

Of weary dreams and worn out passions

Life, when left unbridled becomes a chore unloved. One needs to keep revisiting one’s past in order to make sense of one’s present and aspire for future. The problem that I face continuously is to strike a balance between admiration of what’s gone and desire to bring it back. To be able to do it all over again. I am losing it, time is running out, I am getting old with each passing day and that scares the shit out of me.

I have made some lousy decisions in life. I started this blog ten years ago when blogging was still in it its infancy but was never regular. My younger daughter had just been born when I started this journey that I thought I’d nurture and take to new heights….. Now my son is the same age and ten years have gone by in between.

Whatever I am doing in life now does not even come close to what I thought I would achieve in these ten years. It is nothing as compared to what I could do. And it mocks all the dreams I dreamt for myself while staring out of that window in my living room. 

I was going to be a great writer. My pieces were to get published in literary magazines. I was going to master the art of writing.

And yet, ten years passed and I am still here. Still at the cross roads, never launched. What happened? Where did time—that culprit— vanish? Why did I waste it so willingly? 

These are the questions I may never find answers to, yet the only questions I’d want answered.

In a systematic manner, I brought this on myself. Yes, I do realise my mistake. I thought I had time; that I could do it tomorrow. Little did I know, then, that that perfect tomorrow would never come. 

If I really wanted to do something, I should’ve started right when it came to mind. When I had decided that I was going to be a writer. I did have the time, I do have time even now, but a sad, unproductive decade lies between the dreams when they were first dreamt and now that they have to be woken up again. 

These dreams are now frail, unsure of their strength of ever coming true. They are still there, yes, very much alive, but they’ve grown old, tired and weary. They’ve got unsure of themselves. And it is quite the task now to start from where I left.

Time will not wait for anyone, as clichéd as it may sound. This is one reality that I am aware of but have failed to understand in its entirety, no matter how much I tried. I live day in and day out thinking I’d do it tomorrow. I’d write that blog post tomorrow, I’d update that Instagram account tomorrow. I’d just sleep in today and then tomorrow will be a brand new day.

One just doesn’t realise the absurdity of time until it’s too late. And yes, age sneaks up on you when you’re least expecting it. It has this weird way of catching you off guard. And you just do not understand what really happened. 

There’s no way of understanding, you just realise one fine day that you’re getting old, and that the time to act is now. Or you’ve lost it forever.

But I do realise that I do not want to imagine myself writing another blog post like this in another ten years. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I did my best. And that is all one can do. Everything else is just life as it  happens… but you should be able to die with the knowledge that you did do your best.

So here I am, trying to wake up the dreams that were never realised, to muster up the little strength that’s still left, to reignite the passion that is now tired, and to believe in the power of love again.

 

Featured Image courtesy: HERB

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Life

Love. Hope. Dream. All alive. All scattered. All significant enough not to be significant. You tend to start thinking about it only to realise there was never any promise for anything great. This was going to be torture. Slow and painful. Only to be ridiculed by death in your face for taking it all so seriously, for daring to dream. All of this and you hadn’t even signed up for it, in the first place. 

They tell me human existence is worth it.

However I do wonder if this statement has got any truth in it. Or perhaps it was said only to further ridicule our very existence? Perhaps. But we’ll never know, will we?

Path

I read an article today in the morning. Crux of it was that there is a “predetermined” path for everyone and all we have to accomplish in life is to follow the thing. Either it dawns upon us one fine morning or we have to take up a quest to find it. Now, I do not think, and never have that it is as simple as the author would like us to believe. First of all, he wrote this whole finding-your-path thing assuming there are no other factors involved. We cannot as a society function alone, and there are many other dynamics that influence our lives outside of our own selves. Sometimes, we just don’t know what we want from our lives. Other times, we unfortunately find our destiny (if we want to call it that) too late down the road. What do we do if we have already built a life by the time we supposedly find “our calling”? Do we just leave everything and set out on a soulful journey just because our “inner” being called out to us? Do we just abandon our family just because we think our “dream” is more important than they ever were and they were probably just something we were keeping ourselves busy with in the time being? Why do these so-called self-help authors make everything sound as easy as eating an apple?

Let me tell you what I feel about this issue, we all have a dream while we’re growing up. When a child is little, he/she sees the future in a way we, as grown ups, have forgotten to see. As we grow up, some of these dreams realise, whereas some don’t but depending upon their significance to us, the unfulfilled ones go into hiding in some deep dark corner of our heart. We don’t ever forget how we felt whenever we daydreamt about that specific thing no matter how far along we are in life. However, many a time that dream has got more to do with our childhood than reality, as unfortunate as it may seem. More often than not, we weren’t meant to do what we always wanted to do and we were meant to be exactly wherever we find ourselves in our life. Many a time, we keep pushing our present away for some mythical future, so much so that we don’t realize that we’re actually ruining whatever we have right now. So basically this whole finding your path mantra is just as good as bull shit to me. You’re either living it or you’re not.

Now I am not one for such ‘motivational’ lectures, trust me on that. Whatever I write here comes straight from my heart and since I am not a renowned person, I can afford to be as obnoxious as I want to and get away with it as well. Hah! Although I can’t say much about the renowned ones as well, but let’s leave this discussion for some other day.

But jokes apart, these soulful writers shouldn’t really do this to people. More often than not people will find themselves in situations that will forbid them to just leave and set off on a journey to some far off land. I am thinking of taking up a Masters course and I have been thinking about it since I don’t even remember when. Why? Mainly because I am an Accountant and even if my major interest in life has always been English Literature, it will make me feel a bit strange to just bid adieu to Accountancy as blatantly as that. All I want to do is to follow my passion but it is just not as easy as it may sound on paper since there are constraints involved both physical and mental. Now, I am not stating here that I will not go ahead and do it. For all you know, I might just find enough courage to begin next year! The fact that I am trying to state here is that we can just not leave everything one fine morning and decide that we want a different life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

So my friends, coming across the so-called path is not always pleasant. On the contrary, sometimes, stumbling upon your ‘path’ especially after you’ve come a long way in life might be frustrating — perhaps even worse than not finding it ever.

Unpredictable

Surprise is one of the most interesting things that I’ve come across in life. And to surprise someone in a way that is not expected of you is divine. It has a beauty that not many will understand. To leave people thinking about the (ulterior) motive behind your action, I think nothing is more satisfying than that. That dilemma is lovely. That curiosity is astonishing. That little doubt in someone’s mind about what you really mean by doing something they never expected is probably one of the strangest comforts you’ve been acquainted with. 

Life is a lot of things, but what is perhaps the most beautiful thing about it is its ability to be unpredictable about things that can be the most predictable.