To be Invisible

I sometimes think my life lacks purpose, scratch that, this thought frequents my mind more than sometimes. This thought makes me; I am it. That would be a better description of my mind. I made this blog in 2009, by the name of Random Thoughts. I was more of myself back then. My thoughts were random yes, but they were mine. I was willing to express myself. I was not afraid to be me. To be who I was. What I was essentially made of. I shared my thoughts without inhibition. And I was fine. I was a happy person back then. Not afraid of being perceived as an idiot who didn’t know/cared much about the “popular” opinion.

It’s been six years since I wrote my first post on this blog. But I didn’t know what to do with a blog then, I was just happy to have found an outlet. I still don’t know what to do with it today. But I write more reluctantly, my thoughts are more random, my crises more severe. My life seems purposeless to me because of the high standards I set for myself initially. When I always knew in the heart of my hearts, I wasn’t cut out to become the person I always wanted to be.

I’ve been looking in the wrong direction all my life and now I feel lost. I don’t feel I can go back and to go further in the same direction would devastate me even more. What to do then? Just let it be. Stay where I am and expect it all to get better miraculously. I have ample reason to believe that this crises of mine will become severe with age. And as I heard somewhere, a crises at 55 is much worse than a crises at 35.

I changed the name of this blog because I wanted to be absolutely invisible. I wanted to become invisible on Google. I wanted to delete the memory of ‘random thoughts’ from my mind. But I guess in this day and age, there is no escape from who you are or who you have become. Does that mean then, that you cannot start afresh? That you keep going ahead in the same direction and forget about where you’d want to go instead? Does that mean you’re stuck where you are and there is no hope left for you?

These are my random thoughts. And they will continue. With a new name.

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To Stay

Please stop this nonsense. My ears are now sick of hearing this noise.
I do not know how naive you think we are and I do not know how much of this foul game of yours we can endure.
But, I’m done.
I’m so done and so sick of this ridiculousness that you think you can easily get away with.
And are. But. For how long?
Life is an amusing thing. We think we cannot go on, we think one more day will be enough to drive us mad.
But somewhere deep down inside of us, we also believe that our life can somehow change, and that our circumstances will one day, change.
But that hope is disappearing fast, there’s so much unabashed pain wherever we look we feel like running away.
But to stay. And to endure. And to look misery in its eye and say, I’m not afraid.
To stay.

Unpredictable

Surprise is one of the most interesting things that I’ve come across in life. And to surprise someone in a way that is not expected of you is divine. It has a beauty that not many will understand. To leave people thinking about the (ulterior) motive behind your action, I think nothing is more satisfying than that. That dilemma is lovely. That curiosity is astonishing. That little doubt in someone’s mind about what you really mean by doing something they never expected is probably one of the strangest comforts you’ve been acquainted with. 

Life is a lot of things, but what is perhaps the most beautiful thing about it is its ability to be unpredictable about things that can be the most predictable. 

Involuntarily

All around us we can see people and we can see how life has failed each and every one of them.
And how despite every audacity that life has thrown at them, each one of them hangs on to the belief that somehow it will make it up to them.
Some day.
But, no, it won’t.
They will live as a bunch of hopeful fools and they will die in vain.
Only to be replaced by other such individuals, created solely for the entertainment of life— and to play its cruel, cruel game;
Involuntarily.

Tired

Tired. Spent. Lost. Nowhere to go. Sleeping with nothing to wake up to. Pessimistic, angry, scared to death. No human being should retire to bed in this state of mind. We all have our specific evils, or fears that we eventually bow down to. Without even thinking for a second what it is that we are giving our freedom to. I feel scared of some non-existent  thing today, only to end up being more scared eventually. I start doubting myself today and after a couple of years nobody would look twice upon my work. Why is there now doubt where there was an infinite hope? Why the sadness, the pessimism, the confusion and the anger? And fear. Fear of myself maybe. And everything I am. Or want to be.